Happy Birthday!

Dear Polly,

‘Daar zijn we weer’
Wat we altijd zeggen wanneer we toch bij elkaar terugkomen na een periode van niet on speaking terms zijn. En Ik moet er wel steeds om lachen. Ik wilde zo graag iets doen op je jaardag, omdat je altijd aangeeft dat je verjaardagen nooit bijzonder zijn. So this time I had it all mapped out actually, maar recent heb ik moeten accepteren dat het niet mijn plek is. So for now I kept it simple, but meaningful. So take your time to read this and I hope you enjoy the gift.

Swetha, ik heb een speciale band met jou mogen opbouwen en I appreciate having you in my life.

From walking past you in the waiting area at your job interview, to becoming colleagues, sitting side by side, to close friends, to the craziest conversations, to our first kiss in the Honda Fit (coming from a dare) to slowly catching feelings, to an intimate bond, to the random adventures, but also the moments that hurt. So many different moments, different stages, different versions of us, each leaving behind memories that I’ll carry with me forever. Ik hoop dat je nooit twijfelt aan hoe ik me voel om jou. Alles wat ik heb gevoeld en geuit, was puur. Ik snap dat ik dit niet altijd onder controle had, maar dat is gewoon hoe ik ben, als ik echt om iemand geef. I’ll go all in, with all the emotions. I never wanted something in return that wasn’t genuine. Looking back, it's almost crazy to think how something that started so casually could become such a meaningful part of my life.

I miss talking to you, I miss sitting next to you in the office every day. I miss your venting sessions, your laugh, your scent, your hugs, your aura. I miss those random “gaan we een ijsje halen?” with endless car conversations in the parking lot. I miss our intimate moments and those completely random naked bed conversations that somehow could go on forever. I miss the “Ethennn”. I miss our random adventures, I miss staring in your beautiful eyes and getting lost in them. I miss kissing you all over your face. I miss the little things, the silly things, things that somehow meant a lot to me.

Er gaat zoveel door me hoofd en Ik heb eerlijk gezegd geen idee hoe ik alles aan je moet zeggen zonder je te face’n. Ik struggle verschrikkelijk veel met het verwerken van alles. Zoveel vragen, zoveel pijn, zoveel onzekerheid. Wat is nou echt, en wat nou niet. Ik ben gaan zoeken naar antwoorden, maar keerde uiteindelijk terug met meer vragen. Ik probeer sterk te blijven, maar op bepaalde momenten overheerst de pijn en uit ik het op een vervelende manier.

Het was nooit mijn intentie geweest je te pijnigen, of om je te zien huilen, dus indien me actions of woorden je direct of indirect hebben gekwetst, my apologies. Wherever this story takes us, if things aren't the same between us anymore, that doesn't erase what our time together meant to me. I want you to know that I'll always care for you, i’ll always love you and i’ll always wish the best for you.

Even if we're not as close. Even if I'm no longer there beside you the way I once was, just remember there is someone who genuinely wants to see you happy (I just wish it was because of me). Someone who believed in you. And someone who, even from a distance, will always be rooting for you whenever you achieve something you've worked hard for.

I hope you find peace when life gets difficult, and that you keep growing, keep dreaming, and keep becoming the person you're meant to be. I hope you achieve everything you want in this life — the big dreams, the little dreams, the things you've told people about and the things you've kept quietly in your own heart.

We may not see eye to eye when it comes to the choices you made, and I know I’ve said things out of emotions that may have hurt you. But in the end I hope you find the kind of happiness that feels peaceful. The kind of love that doesn't feel forced, doesn’t make you question your worth, a love that feels safe, genuine, and mutual.

I hope you find someone who chooses you wholeheartedly, who sees your worth, respects your heart, supports your dreams, and makes you feel loved without ever having to question where you stand.

I hope you experience the kind of love where you can be completely yourself and still feel more than enough. The kind of love that brings you peace instead of confusion, certainty instead of doubt, and warmth instead of pain.

And I hope that one day, when you look around at the life you've built and the person standing beside you, you can smile and think, “I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, with exactly the kind of love I always deserved.”

With this letter i don’t want to force you, I don’t expect anything from you, and I did not take any decisions of how we will move forward. This is just one more time of me opening up and being vulnerable, Ik weet niet als dit de laatste keer zal zijn. Want ik ben ook koppig om soms gewoon niet op te geven en door te proberen. On a side note, Messi taught me to never give up. He even retired from international football in 2016, when nothing went his way. He returned after some period, and the following years he conquered everything. Dus maybe moet ik ook aan de kant voor nu, and let you do your thing? As much as it hurts me.

And when the time is right and it’s meant to be, we’ll continue the story.

To close this letter, I would like to thank you for the memories. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the conversations. Thank you for putting up with my dramatic BS. Thank you for trusting me and for considering me one of your best friends. Thank you for the good times. And thank you even for the difficult moments. All of it became part of a story that means a lot to me.

So today, I wish you a Happy Birthday, and I want you to remember that you are special, you are worthy of good things, and you deserve happiness. And I hope this next chapter of your life brings you closer to all of it. I hope life is kind to you. I hope you find everything you're looking for.